one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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