Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
