Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
