My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
