so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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