It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
