Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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