alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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