I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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