Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
