last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
