I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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