I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
