I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So much Jack, so little girl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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