There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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