I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
