turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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