Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
