i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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