Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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