I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
