At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
