woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
