and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
