glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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