nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
