My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
