I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
