I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
