i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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