girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
