I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
