she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
