My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
