for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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