So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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