You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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