Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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