How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
