everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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