he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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