I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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