Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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