Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
