the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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