Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
