Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
