apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my being single is dangerous.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
