omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
