Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I AM VODKA MAN
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
