Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
