Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
