There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
